Movie Slut

So, I’m sitting at my desk, a calendar of summer movies laid open in front of me, munching on my ogre-sized M&M’s, and I’m wondering just what to make of this rancid, steaming pile-o-crap that Entertainment Weekly calls the “sweet insanity of blockbuster season”.

With 15 of the releases being sequels (8 of them sequels of sequels) and, if sequels, to quote from William Goldman, are “whore’s movies”, a more appropriate, if cynical, name might be whore season.

That being said, am I looking forward to seeing many of these movies this summer? You betcha. With an introduction like the one above, a sane person might wonder why. I wish I had a good answer for you. Certainly, I’ve been around long enough to know better and, having once managed a 7-plex movie theatre, I can’t even rhapsodize about the joys of movie popcorn (word to the wise: if they’re not popping it fresh while you’re standing there, grab some twizzlers instead). So what, then, is the attraction?

Forgive me a short, autobiographical digression. Once upon a time, a former boss explained to me the difference between a whore and a slut. Through experience, a whore would go into each situation knowing exactly what to expect. A slut, on the other hand, no matter how experienced, would go into each encounter with the hope that this time, things would be different. And no number of disappointments could dim that feeling – that expectation – of hopefulness.

Well, call me a Movie Slut, because every time I go to a movie, I still have that feeling of hope (even after Star Wars episodes 1-3!) that I won’t leave the theatre feeling like a bukkake recipient. And with that in mind, let’s look at the summer releases, shall we?

May leads off the summer with a troika of 3rds (or a trio of turds, depending on your point of view); Spidey 3, Shrek 3, and Pirates 3. Will any of these be any good? The correct answer to that is who cares? These three movies – together with the 5th Harry Potter movie, coming in July – represent the closest thing to a license to print money that any movie studio could want. So go see them already.

Now, with all that firepower right out of the box, can any other movie squeeze in for some of the booty? Looking at the release calendar for May, the only one that might stand a chance is another sequel: 28 Weeks Later, coming May 11. All things considered, the big 3 own May and most of June, too.

The first real challenge to the big 3 comes June 1 with the release of Knocked Up, an adult comedy brought to us by the same creative team that did The 40 Year Old Virgin. Also on June 1 comes the Kevin Costner thriller, Mr. Brooks. I think KU could have benefited from an August release date (like Virgin) and maybe mommy and daddy will drop the kids off for a repeat showing of one of the big three while they treat themselves to some R-rated goodness but I have doubts that KU will capture lightning in a bottle like Virgin did. As for Mr. Brooks, I don’t think Mr. Costner will have to worry about any planned sequels.

The next challenge comes a week later with two more sequels, Ocean’s Thirteen and Hostel II. O13 is a perfect definition of a "whore's" movie. The only reason to make this movie is money. Ocean’s Eleven and Twelve were money-making turds made by grassfuckers (to borrow a term from Mr. Filthy) and 13 will hopefully see a big enough drop in revenue to ensure there’s no 14. Hostel II also seems like an August movie to me but it will draw in all those who can’t wait for Saw 4 next fall.

Also coming on the 8th is an animated flick, Surf’s Up, with voice work by everyone’s favorite teen of the moment, Shia LaBeouf. What I’ve seen of this doesn’t thrill me but it’s animated and by this time parents will be sick of Shrek so expect some numbers.

On the 15th comes a sequel to the Not-So-Fantastic Four and Nancy Drew. The second FF can’t help but improve on the original (hopefully we won’t have to endure any more Jessica Alba naked while invisible jokes) but hanging on to Spidey’s coattails won’t help here. Nancy Drew, on the other hand, has a chance to be one of the few non-sequels to crack the box office top ten. The preview looks fun, it has a young star with an established Nickelodeon fan base, and Warner Bros likes it so much they’ve already ordered a sequel.

A week later come two movies with a lotta “might” in them: Evan Almighty and A Mighty Heart. EA might be a very funny sorta-kinda-sequel to Bruce Almighty, substituting Steve Carell and lots of CGI for Jim Carrey. My feeling is EA will fall a mite short. And A Mighty Heart is what I would call the antithesis of a summer movie; it’s a serious drama dealing with the heart-wrenching true story of Marianne Pearl (played by Angelina Jolie) and what she endured when her husband was kidnapped and then beheaded by terrorists in 2002. This movie could be Oscar bait or it might turn out to be another Beyond Borders, but anyone who thinks this will draw serious business in June needs serious therapy.

June ends with Live Free or Die Like a Turd, oops, Die Hard and Pixar's Ratatouille. Pixar has a phenomenal record and I'm a big fan of Brad Bird (Iron Giant, Incredibles) but after seeing the trailer, I'm afraid that Ratatouille may go Rataphooey. And big John McClane rides again, this time coming out of retirement to save his daughter - what a family! Coming soon, Die Punk! as Bruce Willis tries to save his ex-wife's career.

On July 4th, we have the biggest non-sequel of the summer, Transformers, which features cars from outer space that turn into robots who want to destroy the earth. Our only defense are other cars from outer space that turn into robots that turn into Shia LaBeouf. Also on July 4th is License To Wed, in which Robin Williams tries to pretend he had nothing at all to do with RV.

A week later we have the other 2000 pound gorilla of a sequel, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and a Stephen King thriller, 1408. With 3 of the 4 previous HP movies in the all-time top 10 (and the 4th knocking on the door at #17), expect Sirius, er, serious numbers. The only thing that can derail this movie is if J.K. Rowling kills Harry in book 7, due July 21. I liked the trailer for 1408, with John Cusack as a skeptic investigating the supernatural, but these days Stephen King movies are like Toyota when horror-movie fans are all buying Scions.

July has three more con(pre)tenders: Hairspray, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, and The Simpsons Movie. While Hairspray has a number of devoted (and demented) fans, I don't see John Travolta in a fat suit becoming phat city. Adam Sandler is hit (Click) or miss (Little Nicky): I see Chuck & Larry as one of his misses. And the Simpsons jumped the shark for me about the time they starting airing their Halloween episodes in November but this movie has been on people's radar for some time so I expect a healthy opening, at least.

In August we get down to slim pickens: two money sequels (The Bourne Ultimatum and Rush Hour 3), two regrettable sequels (Invasion and Daddy Day Camp), one reimagining (Halloween) and one potential sleeper (Becoming Jane).

So, when all is said and done, where does that leave us? Well, if you've lasted this far, you deserve some fearless predictions and here they are (full disclosure: here are my picks from last summer and, courtesy of LA Guy, here's how I did):

1. Spidey (First Out, First In)
2. Transformers
3. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
4. Pirates 3
5. Shrek 3
6. Surf's Up
7. Rush Hour 3
8. Live Free or Die Hard
9. The Bourne Ultimatum
10. The Simpsons Movie

If I'm right, you can say you saw it here first. If I'm wrong, well, I'm sure I'll be in good company.