Take the Blue Pill

Well, it’s done. And, all things considered, I’m feeling pretty good. Not exactly Walking on Sunshine but not bad, either. There’s some truth to the statement that the preparation is the worst part of the exam. As I noted yesterday, it wasn’t fun. But I do have some words of advice for anyone getting ready for one of these.

When the doctor asks if you want them to make you feel sleepy, say yes.

Now, I like my doctor. He’s a pretty nice guy, considering his line of work, and I believed him when he said they weren’t going to ‘hurt’ me. Even when he had me sign the form relieving him of liability just in case he poked a hole in my colon, which, as he pointed out, almost never happens. So when he gave me the option of undergoing the procedure without using medication, I listened to him.

If they didn’t use drugs, he told me, I’d be able to go home sooner, I’d be able to eat something sooner and I’d be able to watch the whole thing on television. While I was thinking about it, he also mentioned that if I became uncomfortable at any point they could stop and give me something and it would work in about 30 seconds.

I weighed the options. Going home sooner was a definite plus. I’ve never been a big fan of hospitals and my blood pressure was spiking to begin with. On the other hand, watching myself get shtupped by a ten-foot hose on TV was not so big an attraction. But telling a person who has just fasted for a day and a half that they can eat something, well, that’s almost unfair, isn’t it? I said yes.

There were a few, fumbling preliminaries – a brief finger-wave from an intern (the doctor confided that he got the job because he had the biggest fingers) – and then the procedure started. The first part was so smooth, almost seductive, I half expected the nurse to lean down and kiss me. Pictures of my nether regions flashed by on the screen and the doctor was talking quietly – everything was fine. Then they came to the first bend in the road.

Even with the nurse pressing against my stomach I almost jumped off the gurney. Holy shit, I screamed. When did you put that gerbil inside me and how did it get loose? Well, I thought I screamed it. What actually came out of my mouth was “UHHHHHHHH!” And then the pain disappeared. “Okay,” the doctor said, “that’s the first one.”

First one? Give me the meds, you fucking asshole! All right, I didn’t say that, either. For the next fifteen minutes or so, the doctor played Mario Kart in my bowels while the nurse told me to take deep breaths and let them out slowly. And I survived.

The good news is that my colon is looking pretty spiffy. The bad news is that, since I don’t have to have another of these for ten years, I will completely forget what it felt like. But I know this much; when the doctor asks if I want to feel sleepy, I’m gonna say “Give me the blue pill”.